Freakin' Weird
by lallyzippo
Summary: Espio's got a new obsession. Do Vector and Charmy even want to know...? [Oneshot] Read and review.


**Yah, mah first Sonic Fic…Actually, I've been working on another one that hasn't been completed yet, so…meh. Warning: This fanfiction contains crack and weirdness.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this fic. Nor do I own Sonic the Hedgehog.**

**Freakin' Weird**

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Espio glared. No way. No _freakin'_ way.

"Oi, what's up wit ou Espwio?" Charmy inquired, the little bee's mouth full.

Espio began to shake with rage. "Ch-Charmy…You shouldn't be holding that…" He growled dangerously.

Charmy swallowed his mouthful and backed away. "U-Uh…Espio?" He shook.

Espio released a banshee shriek and pounced on Charmy…Or at least tried.

Charmy was a step ahead of him, flying away as fast as he could. Espio chased after him, knocking everything in his way aside; very unlike him. With Charmy flying by pretty much everything in the kitchen, you can imagine what it might look like.

…

Aw, hell, no, ya couldn't!

...Probably because it didn't actually happen. Espio woke up in a cold sweat. Eyes wide, he dashed down stairs, and flung the fridge door open. There it sat…in all it's glory. Espio turned around to make sure Vector and Charmy weren't around. When he had assured himself that he was alone, he picked up his treasure…and began to devour it.

He could hear it screaming, begging for mercy. Unfortunately, he wasn't a very merciful predator. His teeth ripped through its skin, as its innards were revealed.

"You're…mine. _No one_ _else's_," he hissed, biting harder. _"Mine."_ He began to mutilate the poor creature with one of his kunai knives. He gave a demented chuckle as it bled its very last…

"Espio?"

The attacker's eyes widened. _Oh, damn, Oh, damn, Oh, damn_. How was he to explain the victim's body? Or their juices lying all over the floor…_and him?_

"Vector…? What're you doing up?"

"I, uh, wanted a snack…" The crocodile looked at the mess in front of the fridge.

Espio's forehead broke into a cold sweat.

His eyes grew wide.

_Oh damn._

"Aw, ya ate my grapefruit…Well, just clean yerself up, ne?" With that Vector gave a yawn and walked out.

Espio breathed deeply. He dodged that bullet. He did clean himself up, but the victim's body was skinned, and devoured whole. He decided to keep the skin…and hang it in his room. As delicate as it was, he was gentle with it…he would need it later.

After all was said and done, Espio, sweating, decided to take a break to go on the computer. He would check out some case files and whatnot, and all would be forgotten. But, after several hours of working, the incident had still not left his mind. And why had Vector let him get away with it…? His fingers were itching as they patrolled the mouse.

"I-I…I can't _take_ it anymore!" he whispered to himself.

His hand, guiding the mouse as his minion, shakily connected to a certain _website_.

He looked up and down the site for some time, never getting bored of looking, learning, and indulging…Ah, obsessions such as these were…_forbidden_.

"Oh, Espio! Ya still up?"

Espio's eyes practically popped, as he hit the exit button. It didn't exit. It FROZE.

"DAMMIT!" He yelled. "EXIT, EXIT, EXIT DAMN YOU!"

Oh, yeah. They were flippin' poor. The Chaotix Detective agency could only afford Windows 98. Just his luck.

Vector gave him a weird look. "Espio…?"

"N-NO! DON'T LOOK!" Espio grabbed the monitor and latched himself to it.

Vector's eyes became slits. "You ain't lookin' at…_porn_, are ya? Ah, Espio! What if Charmy sees ya!"

"S-Sorry…" he mumbled.

Vector sighed. "Let's just get rid of the history an'—"

"NO!" Espio remained latched against the monitor.

Now Vector was confused more than ever. "Wha…? Espio, what ARE ya lookin' at?"

"GET AWAY!"

After much difficulty, the head honcho of the Chaotix managed to pry the local ninja off the monitor. Vector took a good look at the screen. "OH…MY…"

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"…What is…?"

Espio was silent for a moment, returned to his normal, taciturn self. Then he grabbed the monitor, and flung it out a window. Then he blinked and went back to bed.

Vector was completely silent for a long time. Until Charmy fluttered down, interested in what the crashing-noise was.

"What happened?"

"…Espio's just a bein' a flippin' weirdo, again."

"Uh…What this time?"

"…I'm not obligated to answer that."

Charmy huffed, and pouted. "Well, FINE!...Hey, where's the computer?"

"Shaddap and go to bed, Charmy."

"HMPH!" Charmy crossed his arms and flew back to his room, and Vector soon returned to his as well. Espio was in his room also; just curled up in a little ball weeping and drawing a sad-looking face on the grapefruit skin.

To this day the Chaotix have never spoken of the incident again.

…

Ever.

**THE END.**

**Random crack fic I wrote in like thirty minutes. Seriously. At like, midnight or something. Please Review. And, uh, yes there was a _slight_ crossover. Cough, THE END. REVIEW TIME NOW.**


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